Orphan Black’s Helena vs. 24’s Jack Bauer: Who Would Win?!

The third season of the amazing Orphan Black begins tomorrow night (April 18) on BBC America, and that compelled an interesting question from Sue, the wife of my co-Brain, Mike Ferguson:

Who would win in a fight: the always-intense, time-challenged, seemingly bladderless Jack Bauer of 24 or the deliciously insane, knife-wielding, donut-eating Hungarian clone, Helena? A GOOD QUESTION. Let’s compare stats:

BIRTHPLACE/CHARACTERISTICS
Helena:
Born in the UK / raised in Ukraine
March 15, 1984 (age 31, if the series is set this year)
Height: 5’4″

Jack:
Born and raised in Santa Monica, CA
February 18, 1966 (age 49… or 42 or 53; 24’s time jumps are weird)
Height: 5’9″ – with shoes

INTIMIDATION TACTIC
Helena:
Eats toast while staring at you. Muffins are acceptable.

Jack:
Never eats toast. Never eats anything. Uses everything EXCEPT food as an intimidation tactic.

BEST COMEBACK
Helena:
In the barn after she has captured and de-pantsed the wacko cult leader who drugged her, removed eggs from her ovaries, fertilized them himself, and then implanted them in other women…
Cult Leader (realizing he’s in a, uh, compromising position):  “You’ve made your point. This isn’t funny.”
Helena (preparing the massive cow inseminator): “Do I look like I’m trying to be funny?”

Jack – hmmm, it’s a tie:
1) President Taylor: “You resigned from government service, and the Senate regards you as having been a renegade agent. How am I supposed to know where your loyalties really lie?”
Jack: “With all due respect, Madam President, ASK AROUND.”

2) Weasel Turncoat Steve Navarro being interrogated by Jack and smugly certain he’ll get full immunity…
Jack: “I can promise you, full immunity is not on the table… but your hand is.” CRUSH.

REACTION TO EMOTIONAL LOSS
Helena:
“I fell in love with a boy called Jesse. But, after bar fighting, he had to go to war and become a tow-truck driver.”

Jack:
Furious eye-blinking

PREFERRED WEAPON
Helena:
Kitchen knife

Jack:
Heckler and Koch USP Compact, SIG Sauer P228, Glock 19, monkey wrench, screwdriver, surgical scissors, jumper cables, etc.

COMBAT SKILLS DERIVED FROM…
Jack:
Training with Green Berets, Delta Force, Los Angeles SWAT, and CTU.

Helena:
Internal psychoses. Hair.

POSSIBLE MUTANT SUPERPOWERS
Helena:
Remarkable powers of recuperation. Unlimited stamina.

Jack:
Time manipulation. Ability to travel from upper Manhattan to the Brooklyn Bridge in 12 minutes. Processing of bodily waste.

SIGNATURE LINE
Helena:
“Sestra…”

Jack:
“DAMMIT!!!”

SIGNATURE MOMENT OF BADASSERY
Helena:
Drenched in blood, Helena cuts the throat of the sadistic Daniel and hugs the chained & panicking Sarah, who probably lost 10 Sanity Points that night.

Jack:
Needing to reestablish an undercover identity, Jack summons a criminal stool pigeon to George Mason’s office – and shoots him dead. Jack to the stunned George: “I’m gonna need a hacksaw.”

VERDICT:

So who would win? Jack has the training and intelligence of a super-spy. Helena has the cunning and relentlessness of a serial killer. Jack is the MacGyver of weapons. Helena has the edge in surprise; she’s 5-foot-4 and can sing “Sugar Sugar” by the Archies right before cutting someone’s jugular.

It all comes down to location. In a dark warehouse, basement, or even (yikes) a barn, Helena is practically unstoppable. But anywhere else, when there’s a chance of power tools, a lamp cord, chopsticks, or a rogue rat, Jack will PUT YOU DOWN. He’d likely kill Helena. On the plus side, she’d come back three weeks later and go after Jack.

Thoughts? Disagreements? Are there other classic moments you’d cite? Post them in the comments! And be sure to watch the Orphan Black season premiere on April 18.

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